Cats: Setting the Record Straight

The time for me to offer my theology of cats stands nigh.

Some of my less sanctified readers question me when I assert that cats are demonic. Since Paul exhorted Timothy to “reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience,” the truths that follow will gently correct the ignorant, encourage faithful dog people everywhere, and dispel any notion that I am misinterpreting feline behavior.

In Luke 8:30-33 Jesus confronted a demon-possessed man and asked him, “‘What is your name?’ And he said, ‘Legion,’ for many demons had entered him. And they begged him not to command them to depart into the abyss. Now a large herd of pigs was feeding there on the hillside, and they begged him to let them enter these. So he gave them permission. Then the demons came out of the man and entered the pigs, and the herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and drowned.” Where did the demons go?

Have you ever seen a cat stand on its toes, arch its back, lay its ears flat, and levitate sideways across a room? Of course you have. Have you ever awakened to find a cat standing on your chest, eyeing you while formulating a nefarious plot to murder you? Of course you have. Have you lavished affection on your supposed “pet” only to suffer lacerations to your flesh? Of course you have. Does your cat bring dead mice and birds as offerings to some unseen idol on your doorstep or in your kitchen or at some other high place? Of course it does.

Why do cats do these things? Because they are of their father, the devil. In Luke 8 the demons left the pigs, entered the world’s cat population, and have been moving from cat to cat ever since.

Think of it. There are more cats in the world than evil spirits. This is why some cats occasionally escape the horrors of demon possession and act like dogs. These are the cats that people love. When people describe an “awesome cat,” they describe an emotionally stunted dog.

This concludes the lesson. You’re welcome.

Disclaimer: This post is NOT factual. It is intended for your humor only. No cats were harmed in the production of this post.

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